BYRON IS COOL - My Brother Died and Everyone Laughed

Thursday, February 07, 2008

My Brother Died and Everyone Laughed

I know! I know! It sounds ridiculous, but I promise that it's all true.

Here is how it all played out..................

On October 29th, 2007, my baby brother left this world and all who loved him behind. After a fabulous party celebrating one of his best friends birthdays, he laid down on the couch, went to sleep, and decided his journey here was finished. The chain of events that was soon to follow would shock and bewilder everyone.

I wont go into detail of the family's personal reaction to the devastating news. There is no point in telling you the gut retching grief that struck each of us, or how we screamed, and cried, and fell in the floor, and cried till we puked, or how we gnashed our teeth, and pulled our hair out by the roots, or how we shook the shit out of each other in disbelief and yelled at the top of our lungs, or how horrific slaps were exchanged to bring each other back into the horrible reality of what was really happening. That just wouldn't be appropriate to share, but I will share the rest with you.

Before Byron left he had apparently known for some time that he would be going. He had talked frequently about some of the things that he wished to have done after his passing. While most of us thought some of the request were bizarre, we had no idea what he had actually planned. With the help of some unknown accomplices and a detailed list, the following events actually happen just as I tell you.

After all the family had regrouped, cleaned up all the puke, shit, and hair, we were finally ready to go to the funeral home to take care of all the arrangements for his service. Just before leaving the house, the phone rings and its the funeral home...they had lost his body and don't know where it was. They assure us that they would get to the bottom it and call us back. Realizing that there is now no reason to leave the house just yet, we resume with the crying, puking, shit shaking, slapping, and hair pulling. Many friends and family members began showing up to give comfort and support and to bring food and flowers. No one could believe that on top of all we were going through as a family, we now had to deal with trying to track down his body. That evening the funeral home called again saying they had found him and he would be flown from La to Dallas the next day and his services could be held two days later. They then informed us that all the arrangements had already been taken care of and there was no need for the family to come in. However we were to expect some packages to be delivered very shortly. Feeling great relief that he had been found we were then able to continue with the screaming, crying, puking, slapping........,well, you know.

The day before the service, two boxes arrived at our mothers house. The first was full of T-shirts proudly boasting "BYRON IS COOL" on the front. A small note pinned to the top shirt simply stated "EVERYONE MUST WEAR". We didn't know who or how the box was sent, but we were so pleased and proud to have and wear them. Everyone both young and old would be sporting them at his service. The second box had a note as well only this one was on top the box stating "To be opened only by the pallbearers at the church just before the service". So of course we put that one aside obeying the request. We were still puzzled by who and how the arrangements were handled, but we were constantly assured that everything was in order and taken care of by the funeral director. All we had to do was be at the church wearing our shirts, and of course bring the box for the pallbearers. So that's what we did.

The family of course arrived early to find the beautiful family church was over run with flowers, wreaths, sprays, and potted plants. The only unusual or out of the ordinary thing you would notice would be the number of unlit candle arbores resembling the ones from Ozzy's album cover Diary of a Madman that surrounded the area where the casket would be placed. It creating a U shape of eeriness that was some-what unsettling. We asked where he (Byron) was and we were informed that he was in a room and would be brought out by the pallbearers after the family was seated. The family was then escorted to a room to wait, and the pallbearers placed in another with the sealed box.

From sitting in the family room we could hear the usual organ music playing low key. Then the big F.D. (Funeral Director) opened the door and said that it was time for the mother to be seated. As our mother stood, the door opened wider and there stood Eddie Guerreo and Chris Bnnoit ready to escort her to the front pew. We were in awww. WHO????? HOW?????? WHAT?????? We all stood in total shock and lined up behind the three of them and followed them down the hall to the big swinging doors that led to the sanctuary. Two of the F.D.'s assistants opened the doors as the congregation stood (all were wearing "BYRON IS COOL" T-shirts). The organ stopped, and Paul Simon began singing "My Mama Loves Me Like A Rock" as the two wrestlers walked her down the long isle. It was later told to me that both Eddie and Chris cried like babies while seating her. Then, a small congregation of white robed choir members entered the front of the church from a side door and began singing "Down to the River to Pray" from the movie "Oh Brother Where Art Though". We were then signaled that it was our time to be seated. Me, and my sister Amanda, and my Daughter Stacie, led the rest of the family down the isle to the front where we filed in to fill the rest of the reserved pews. The choir finished beautifully and exited the same side door up front. After a few moments of silence, the lights dimmed, and a huge spot light from the front came on and shot to the back of the church where the big swinging doors were. Everyone turned to look towards where the light was beaming, waiting with great anticipation. Suddenly the doors swung open and we could not believe our eyes. There stood Six Big Super Heroes carrying a blue and silver casket draped with hundreds of white roses. From the front was Batman, and Superman, followed by Spiderman and Aquaman, bringing up the rear was the Green Lantern and Captain America. They stood proudly. Honored at the task they were requested to preform. As they took the first step, walking slowly down the isle, the theme from Rocky began playing. (Can you hear it?) The spotlight followed them all the way to the front where they placed the casket in the middle of the U shaped candle arbors. They then stood in front of him, standing tall, all in a line, while the music finished playing. The spot light dimmed and the lights came up and the heroes took their seat on the front pew to the left of the family. Unsure what could be next, we all looked around. The lights again dimmed and the spot light came back on, and from out of the front side door stepped PRINCE!!!! The song "Let's Go Crazy" began playing and as he sleekly danced his way to the podium, it was apparent that Prince would be giving the eulogy. Before speaking a word he throws his hands up in a statuesque pose and freezes, upon that signal, two Chinese contortionist roll in from both side doors in hula hoops. They meet in the center, stop, throw their hula hoops in the air, shoot fire out of their mouth to light the candles surrounding Byron, catch the hula hoops and roll back out the side. It was awesome! Then, in his prince like voice, he began stating all the wonderful characteristic of Byron that we all knew, and loved, and cherished. His words were moving, touching, and all very true. Everyone was entranced by what he was saying when from out of the back, it was heard by all.... this horribly LOUD groaning and crying. (NO IT WAS NOT ME THIS TIME!!!) Everyone looked as the spot light shifted to the back...... it was CHER!!!!!! She was dressed in her black leotard with the fishnet stockings and the thigh high leather boots. Prince paused as she made her way down the isle screaming and crying. Was she the town mourner???? As she approached the casket her wails grew louder and louder "OH BYRON!!!!!!! OH BYRON!!!!!!!!!!! OOOHHHHHHHH GOD NOT BYRON!!!!!!!!!! After a few moments of that, Batman and Superman got up to comfort her and escort her to sit with them. Prince continued on his quest to put into words what Byron meant to all of us, and how he would forever be a part of our lives because of how he touched us. (Some I think he may have touched more than others, wink, wink ). It was very moving. Upon finishing, the spot light followed Prince as he stepped down from the podium and knelt with his head down in front of our mother. Moved by his sympathy, Mama stood and helped him to his feet and hugged him. He then began crying like a little bitch, and Mama had to walk him across the isle and sit him with the super heroes and Cher. She then took her seat again. Was this it??? Was it over??? Not hardly! The lights came back on and we could hear women singing Acapulco. From out of the same side door comes three red headed lady midgets with really big boobs wearing mini skirts, fishnets, and "BYRON IS COOL" halter tops. They took center stage holding something behind their backs. They were very slowly singing "Oh Marria". It was very beautiful. Then in the middle of the song the middle midgets YELLS "Break It Down Mary!!!!" and from behind their backs comes batons! With the push of a button they ignite their batons and begin twirling and tap dancing like crazy. There were little round legs going everywhere and flailing arms a muck. It was really something. Upon finishing their routine, the three little ones exited the platform and took a seat behind the super heroes, Cher, and Prince. The room grows dark again..............The big screen projector is turned on and Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" begins playing as pictures of Byron fade in and out of the screen. Cher begins wailing quite loudly again in her raspy deep voice. Our mother having had enough of her, throws her bible aiming for Cher's head. The bible misses Cher and hits Aqua Man on the side of the head. Immediately, round rings begin rising from Aquaman's head. (It must have been the suit) They were quite visible in the dark. Being scared of sharks and other marine life, the little midget in the middle removes her "BYRON IS COOL" halter top and covers Aquamans head. At this point, the site of large midget boobs causes our grandmother faint and slides under the pew. The rings however do subside. Everyone continues to watch the slide show. The pictures of Byron were so good. He looked so happy. Hollywood was so good to him and he was good for Hollywood. In that moment the whole family and all the friends were consumed with pride. He had went for his dreams. He had proved he had the guts to try. He had shown us all. It was a great moment. The slide show ends, the lights brighten, and a teary eyed Prince struggles to the podium again. He closes with a prayer....Dear Heavenly Father, and a shreek, then runs out the side crying. The F.D. then approached the casket, moved the roses down and opened the lid. It was time for the final viewing. The public goes first with the music from Author playing in the background. As they pass they are crying, but looking some-what confused. I had no idea what about. After the public filed out, the doors were shut and all that was left was the family, the super heroes, Cher, a topless midget with glowing green hand prints on her boobs, and her two side kicks. The family rose as the song "Chaka Khan's, I Feel For You" began to play. Upon the first few family members reaching the front a laughter rose. Louder and louder as more family members got there. After everything that had been seen it just could not be held back. As me, Amanda, and our Mama were the last to view, we too could not help but laugh. In the casket was our beloved and hilarious Byron, dressed in a San Diego Chicken suit with a "BYRON IS COOL" T-shirt, and wearing a George Carlin mask. It was just more than we could all take. The look of confusion on the publics face was now priceless. He had had the last laugh. He had made us laugh yet once again. Somehow he had managed to make the worse time in all of our lives hysterical. We kissed him with tears of laughter streaming down our face. A baseball card was placed in his chicken hand and the lid was closed. The super heroes carried him out the big swinging doors and we all followed. Outside, they placed him in the hearse and shut the doors. To our surprise the hearse, along with all the cars that filled the parking lot, had printed on all the windows with white polish "BYRON IS COOL" I didn't notice at first, but even the three cop cars that were to be our escort in the precession had printed the now famous "BYRON IS COOL" logo on their windows. It was a site to see. We all loaded up and headed to the family plots in Antioch Texas. With lights flashing the cops led the way. Upon reaching the red lights two of the cop cars stopped in the center lane and two cops got out to stop traffic. It should not have shocked anyone, but the two cops were actually twin Ronald McDonald's! As we drove by, one of the Ronalds smiled and winked at me as if he new me from somewhere beofre. It was kinda like a dayshauve. We were still laughing and this actually caused me to pee a little. It was too freekin' funny. Anyway so we head out to Antioch. The precession line must have been four miles long. I had never seen so many cars lined up with lights on heading to a grave site. We reached the cemetery and the first cop pulls in, followed by the hearse and then us. We expected the first cop to be a Ronald McDonald as well, BUT...to our delightful surprise it was Homer Simpson. Homer gets out and starts directing cars to parking spaces inside the cemetery. Yes we are all still laughing. We make our way to family plots to find a tent covered area surrounded with black and blue balloons. The super heroes line up to receive Byron from the hearse. The laughter is still trickling through the crowd. As they carefully bring him to his final resting place the reality of their chore sinks in, and six teary eyed heroes place him above the previously laid vault and line up beside him facing the family and crowd. A picture on the Cincinnati chicken wearing a "BYRON IS COOL" T-shirt and a George Carlin mask is placed on top of the casket. Laughter breaks out again. The family sits in velvet covered chairs and awaits the next step in this very unusual service. Behind the back of the tent stepped two of Byron's best friends from La. Bradly is dressed as a priest, and Bentley is packing his ukulele. This was sure to be interesting. Priest Bradley, fighting back tears, stepped to the center of the tent, and began with some last words of comfort to the family, and some words of love, praise, and appreciation for his dear friend. Bentley followed with a beautiful song accompanied by his ukulele. After Bentley's song, Priest Bradley closed with a prayer and began flinging what we thought was holly water on everyone. After the smell set in, we realized it was crown and coke. It was so very touching and beautiful. Priest Bradley shakes the hands of every family member and we stand up. Was it over??? I think not. Homer steps to to center of the tent, so we sit back down. Homer informs the crowd that we will ALL be participating in a "BYRON IS COOL" ritual. From behind the tent steps Byron's Calli girls. Jenn, Jessica, and Laura. Each were holding big boxes. Bentley begins softly playing the ukulele, as Jen was the first to present her box. She slowly opened the lid and presented the box to the six heroes still standing in a line. Batman took the box and unveiled a six hose bong with a note attached to the bottom. Jessica then opened her box and began passing out perfectly rolled joints to the entire family and crowd. Laura was next. Her box contained hundreds of little airplane crown royal bottles. She passed hers out as well. Homer yells "Let the ritual begin!!" Priest Bradley takes center stage again and instructs everyone to lite, toke, and smoke. Yea, it was kinda like communion. Everyone does as told. The super heroes simultaneously hit the bong brought just for them, and the rest of us light up.The smoking and toking had begun. It was accompanied by some coughing, spitting, and wheezing. It was a spectacular show of unity. Five minutes later, Priest Bradley holds up his flask of holly water and instructed everyone to uncap their crown. He shouts "this one is for you Byron" and everyone drank. It was at this point that our grandmother (Mom) who talks very loudly, leaned over and told me "If he wants us to shoot fireworks out of our ass I think I can accommodate him". I began to laugh again. Now fully fueled with some good ole La Mary Jane everyone again began to laugh. Was it now over????? Think again. We still had the matter of all the black and blue balloons. Homer began passing them out, two balloons to every person. Once all passed out, Priest Bradley stepped to speakers spot and said..." Let us all step outside the tent". We of course followed to just outside the structure and gathered in a semi circle in front of Byron's head. "We have but one more substance to inhale" he said, "Everyone is to inhale one balloon, and on my count," we will shout to the heavens that "BYRON IS COOL FOREVER" and then release your second balloon. On the count of three a crowd of more than a hundred, in a munchkin like voice, all shouted "BYRON IS COOL FOREVER" and balloons filled the sky. It was the most precious moment of my life. Everyone clapped and yelled and hooped and whistled. It was amazing. Batman, with a note in his hand then stepped to Priest Bradley and presented him with the sealed envelope. Quiet fell over the crowd as he opened the note. With tears in his eyes and crown and coke dribbling from his chin he read the note............

"REMEMBER ME WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER, FOR THAT'S HOW I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALL.

IF YOU CAN ONLY REMEMBER ME WITH TEARS, THEN DON'T REMEMBER ME AT ALL".

And it was over.

Please don't be sad that it is over. Be happy that it happened.

By Stephanie Pickett

In honor of the best baby brother to ever hit the planet.

I love you Byron!!!! Thank you for constantly filling my life with love and laughter. Thank you for bringing me so much joy, humor, and a new way of looking at things. I was blessed to have you for 33+ years. You will never be forgotten.

Happy Birthday Darlin'!!!!

BYRON IS COOL FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!